


hader high

by milhouse



Category: Saturday Night Live RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, generated from our discord server where we are all hitting rock bottom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:08:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27057739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milhouse/pseuds/milhouse
Summary: we came up with this au in our discord server where there’s a place called hadertown and everything’s named after bill hader and he teaches every subject at the school with the exception of the nurse john mulaney.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	hader high

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to da fic! in this chapter anna meets coach hader. obviously this is a joke and isn’t proofread or taken seriously or anything this was literally written in like 15 mins xxxxx
> 
> here’s an invite to our discord where we come up with this stupid shit!
> 
> https://discord.gg/AxAzYNZ

Anna moved to Hadertown feeling eager to start fresh and get away from all the crackwhores at her old school who shot heroin between their toes. Her hopes were pretty much completely shattered as soon as she stepped off the train. 

"Hadertown?" She spat at a homeless man who was doing a fun little jig on the platform of the Hader train station. It was quite funky! Anna wanted to join in but knew better.

"Yes’um, welcome to Hadertown!” the man grinned, ceasing his dance to light up a fat joint.

"What the fuck? I thought this was Hadestown, like in the musical. What the fuck is Hadertown?”

—————

The bell at Hader High rang loud and obnoxiously. Anna groaned and glanced down at the paper Principal Hader had just given her.

"Welcome to Hader High," he said warmly. "I’d love to show you around, but I’m extremely busy. This is your schedule. I hope you won't have too much trouble finding your first class."

"I’m sure I can manage..." Anna wanted to thank him for the kind welcome, but as soon as she look up, Principal Hader was already sprinting down the hallway and shoving students out of his way. 

"Well, shit," she said to herself. "Time to go to PE. I should have stayed at my old address, 10050 Cielo Drive. It’s a shame they tore it down and my family had to move here."

It took Anna twelve consecutive days to find the gymnasium, probably due to the fact that it was located on the roof.

"Alright, kids, welcome to our first class of physical education!" Coach Hader addressed the small crowd of unenthusiastic sophomores while twirlling a basketball on his finger like they do in cartoons or whatever. Also, he was dressed like Nitro from Laser Cats. You can picture it.

"I’m going to lay out a few ground rules for you all. First of all, no jumping off the roof, okay? I know gym sucks but Jesus fucking Christ, chill. Alright, moving on...”

Anna bit down on her lip and nervously eyed her peers.

"Rule number two: wearing absolutely nothing is not appropriate attire for gym class. My God, people, how many times am I going to have to clarify this? Every goddam year someone comes to class ass-naked. Like, completely nude. Just totally naked. Please don't. A shirt and a pair of shorts will do, okay? No platform heels either. Fuck that shit.”

Coach Hader rambled on for six more hours about his PE regulations before finally starting his class.

"Today we're going to be doing the mile run. This way we can compare how you do now to how you do at the end of the course and see your improvement. I will now demonstrate how to run." Coach Hader jogged to the middle of the gymnasium floor as students circled around him, curious to learn how to run. 

"Okay," he began. "Running is fairly simple, students, but I need you to listen to the directions carefully or else you could get confused and kill yourself. First, you want to be standing. Now, secondly, you put your dominant leg out and-- _motherfucker!_

"Coach Hader?" Someone asked timidly as he fell to the ground.

"Fuck!"

Coach Hader was now in a fetal position, curled up on the floor and wailing in pain. "My dick! Oh, shit! Somebody get the nurse!”

Anna felt frozen in place as students rushed in and out of the gymnasium, one falling off the roof in all of the commotion. Coach Hader was crying. In fact, he was properly weeping. Anna watched the poor man as he sobbed on the floor with a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach... somewhere between pity and that weird feeling of arousal that could just be nausea (you know the one). Within minutes, Nurse Mulaney was at his side.

"Heeeey, sister,” he drawled, lipstick slightly smudged. "What’s hurtin', love?"

"My fucking dick." Coach Hader responded through tears and cries of agony.

"Now don't you worry, I brought an ice pack." Nurse Mulaney pulled a wet paper towel out of his gucci handbag and placed it over Coach Hader’s crotch.

As the soggy paper towel dripped all over his shorts, Coach Hader looked up at him in disbelief. "The fuck is this?" he gestured manically at his crotch, "Now it just looks like I’ve pissed my pants, John. How does that help, huh? Tell me how that helps."

Nurse Mulaney fluttered his eyelashes. "I don't know, I’m just the lunch lady."

At this point, it was Anna’s moral duty to intervene. "Wait, you're the lunch lady?"

"Why, yes I am! This way I get two paycheques, ya simple bitch."

Fair enough, she figured. “Uh, do you think Coach Hader should go to the Hader Hospital?”

“Who’s to say? He just tore his scrotum, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

and then everyone clapped!


End file.
